Caution: Laughing Matter. A Collection in the Spirit of Ranevskaya, Zhvanetsky and Zadornov
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Pancratius · CC0 · EN · book #42

To the memory of Faina Ranevskaya

Conscience is like an appendix: some people have one, but mostly it just gets in the way of living.
Happiness is when it's not your own tooth that hurts.
People are divided into the smart and the honest. Combining them is bad for your health.
No mask stays on longer than the desire to wear it.
Everyone wants immortality, but no one is ready to endure even old age.
Adults are children who have learned to lie and call it experience.
If you have no enemies, it means you haven't lived yet.
The main benefit of upbringing is knowing when to keep quiet and when to slam the door.
Life is like a communal apartment: someone is always shitting in the common hallway.
Youth is given to make mistakes. Old age — to regret that you can't anymore.
There are two kinds of friends: some sit in your kitchen, others sit on your neck.
True love is when you look at a person and think, “Lord, what for?” — and still don't leave.
Optimism is the ability to look at an empty refrigerator and believe a miracle is hiding in there.
A smart man is a rarity. A smart and free man is science fiction. If he's busy, he's hardly smart.
True character shows not in trouble, but in a queue.
Beauty is a terrible force. Especially when it's both terrible and forceful.
God gave woman a brain, but men still think it's a spare piece of jewelry.
The best diet is poverty. Tested by generations.
Patience is the talent of living next to an idiot and not killing him before his time.
A career is when other people's mistakes are called your experience.
Marriage is a union of two people who jointly endure each other's relatives.
Freedom is when you don't care what the neighbors think of you.
The Motherland is a place where you are always expected. Especially by the tax office and bailiffs.
If you want to know the truth about yourself, acquire an enemy.
A man without a sense of humor is more dangerous than a woman without makeup.
Money doesn't bring happiness, but without it, unhappiness is particularly nasty.
The main virtue of old age is that you stop being ashamed of your own shortcomings.
Men are divided into two types: some want everything and right now, others want it right now and everything.
Female friendship lasts until the first fitting of the same dress.
Women's friendship lasts until the first fitting of the same man.
Old age is when the past is brighter than the future, and the future is shorter than the queue at the pharmacy.
Memories are the best way to prove to yourself that life did exist after all.
Experience is when you do the same stupid thing, but with a smart look.
Humanity is divided into those who seek meaning, and those who seek discounts.
True tenderness doesn't require words. What it requires is cash.
A clear conscience is usually found in those who have a bad memory.
In every person lives an angel. But in most, he's on vacation.
Modesty adorns a person. But only if they are already rich and beautiful.
Love at first sight ends with a second one.
Men love with their eyes, women with their ears. That's why men quickly go blind, and women go deaf.
Patience is the ability to smile while a civil war is raging inside.
Wisdom comes with the years. True, sometimes only the years come.
Flattery is when they say to your face what they will later recall with laughter behind your back.
Children are the flowers of life. Especially in the flowerbeds of other people's parents.
Fate likes to joke. But for some reason, it's always only itself that laughs.
People who advise you to “think positively” usually went bankrupt on antidepressants a long time ago.
Silence is golden. Especially in the mouth of an idiot.
A man believes a woman's words only while she is silent.
A career is a ladder everyone climbs up and spits down.
Every woman dreams of a knight. Until he takes off his boots.
Experienced people don't argue. They wait for you to ruin everything yourself.
We see other people's mistakes better because we carry our own like birthmarks — you get used to them.
Eternal youth is the lot of idiots: their brains never grow up.
A man who promises the stars usually can't even screw in a light bulb.
A broken heart is healed by the wallet of a new suitor.
The older you get, the more often you think: I should have kept my mouth shut.
Love is like a cold: it rarely passes without complications.
A real drama is when the mirror becomes more honest than your friends.
Men are afraid of smart women. That's why smart women pretend to be blondes.
Good triumphs over evil. But only if good has enough money for a lawyer.
The best quality in a man is rarity.
Old age is when you don't want to anymore, but you still can. Or the other way around.
A woman believes a compliment, even if she understands she is being deceived. The main thing is to lie beautifully.
Dreams rarely come true. But nightmares are always on time.
Faith in a better future is getting into a taxi and hoping the driver knows the way.
People become wise not with age, but with fatigue.
If a woman is silent, it means she is either being listened to, or it's already too late.
A man is always looking for adventure, until he finds a wife.
Love ends where the shared budget begins. Women take a long time choosing a dress so that men will be disappointed faster.
Happiness is when you don't need anything from the pharmacy.
Better to be a funny truth than a beautiful lie.
No diet can survive an encounter with a good cake.
A woman can forgive anything except the truth.
Laziness is when even fate is too lazy to change you.
The higher the heels, the lower the common sense.
Men dream of freedom, until they get it.
Life teaches you to keep quiet, but the neighbors interfere.
True love is tested not by time, but by a mortgage.
Old age is when dreams become more interesting than reality.
Beauty requires sacrifices, but most often — from the man.
Best friends become best enemies faster than anyone.
Someone else's happiness always irritates louder than your own unhappiness.
People dream of eternal life, but are afraid of Mondays.
If fate knocks, it means it has come with a summons.
Family is when a stranger becomes your relative, and your relatives become strangers.
Better bitter irony than sweet stupidity.
Old age is when you no longer drink, but your blood pressure still jumps.
A woman believes promises until she has bought a new dress.
A man only grows up by old age, but by then there's no one left.
Optimism is when there's a crisis in the country and you buy slippers.
Beauty fades, but stupidity remains.
Living is hard, but there's no time to die.
Love is when you look at a person and think, “Lord, well, okay.”
A true friend is someone who comes without a call and without a conscience.
Dreams are wonderful, until they come true.
All women are the same, only each one has a worse character.
Life is too short to waste it on a diet.
Men rarely grow up, they more often go bald.
Another man's wife is always smarter than your own.
Happiness is when nothing hurts and no one calls.
Conscience is a luxury the poor cannot afford.
The best cure for depression is other people's problems.
Fate loves fools, because the rest resist.
A woman will always find a reason for tears, even if everything is fine.
A man will always find a reason for a drink, even if everything is bad.
Love over the years turns into habit, and habit into irritation.
Better to be funny than unnoticeable.
Honesty adorns a person, but rarely brings any benefit.
Old age is when you meet your classmates and realize you look better than them only in a coffin.
People marry for love, and divorce for common sense.
A real woman never ages, she just changes her ring size.
Life is unfair, but it's only fair that it's the same for everyone.
Nothing ages a woman like her own children.
If a man says “forever,” it means he has a date tomorrow.
Female intuition is when everything is wrong, but exactly right.
People are divided into those who complain, and those who complain louder.
No one can lie like a woman who is telling the truth.
A woman's best years begin where passport control ends.
A real man always promises more than he can, and does less than he promised.
A woman can forgive anything except another woman's happiness.
The more a person talks about morality, the less conscience he has.
Men die earlier because living with women any longer is impossible.
Old age is when memories become longer than plans.
A woman marries a fairy tale, and wakes up in a communal apartment.
Happiness is when your doctor says, “You're fine,” and you believe him.
Other people's children grow faster than your own child support payments.
People marry not for love, but out of stupidity. Out of love they divorce.
Women need strong men so they have someone to yell at.
Men rarely change, more often they change women.
Life is like a theater, only the audience keeps climbing onto the stage.
Beauty is a ticket. Intellect is luggage. But they often travel light.
True love is when silence is louder than declarations.
Better to be alone than married to loneliness.
A person grows up when they stop waiting for New Year.
A man without money is a philosopher. A woman without money is a tragedy.
People who say “the main thing is health” have usually already lost everything else.
Old age comes quietly, but leaves on crutches.
Fate likes humor, but more often — black humor.
A woman looks for the man of her dreams, and marries the neighbor.
The best way to preserve youth is to die on time.
Men lie to women to get them into bed. Women lie to men to get them out of it.
Life is short, but it still manages to get boring.
Love makes a woman weak, and a man poor.
Happiness is when no one calls and no one wants anything.
A woman looks for a prince, and gets a loan.
A man looks for a beauty, and gets a personality.
People marry for the future, and divorce because of the past.
A true friend is someone who ruins your mood sincerely and for free.
Old age is when you mix up names, but remember the grudges.
It's easier for women to forgive infidelity than bad taste.
The best way to get to know a person is to lend them money.
Experience is when you already know there will be no happiness.
A woman values honesty but loves flattery.
A man values freedom but lives in marriage.
People most often die not from diseases but from life.
Beauty saves the world but rarely saves a woman.
True wealth is when you can be silent and they still listen to you.
A woman lives by hope, a man by memories.
The older you get, the more often you say: "Where are my glasses?" and "Why did I come in here?"
Happiness is when in the morning you have the strength to get up, and in the evening to lie down.
Life is like chess: some move, others stand still, and the king is always under attack.
A woman always knows the truth, she's just waiting for the man to confess.
A man always looks for simple solutions, until he gets married.
Love is when two people share one blanket and eternal suspicions.
Happiness is when the fridge is full and the heart is empty of worries.
The best way to preserve a relationship is not to start one.
A woman grows old faster if there are no fools around.
A man grows up later if there are no smart women around.
Life loves those who know how to laugh, especially at themselves.
Other people's troubles always seem more instructive than your own.
Old age is when you're happier about a discount than a compliment.
A woman can forgive infidelity, but never a bad hairstyle.
A man can forgive everything, except not being listened to.
People rarely become better, more often they become more expensive.
Fate is when your plans laugh out loud.
Beauty is when even silence looks impressive.
Love is tested not by time but by the number of dishes in the sink.
Life is short, but there's still time to get bored.
A true friend is one who brings you trouble before the rumors do.
A woman is a mystery that reveals itself every day.
A man is a puzzle that's no fun to solve.
Love always comes unexpectedly and leaves on schedule.
A man promises anything at all, just so a woman believes in at least something.
A woman cries not because she is weak, but because she is tired of being strong.
Happiness is when you don't need a vacation from your own family.
People want honesty until they hear it.
Beauty is when flaws become fashionable.
Old age is when you read obituaries like news.
A woman is always right. Even when she's wrong. Especially then.
Experience comes when it is no longer needed.
Life is too short to waste it on bad wine and other people's advice.
Men love with their eyes, but then they still look for the fridge with their eyes.
A woman is silent the longest when she has a thousand words.
Fate gives chances, but more often advances.
A true friend is one who comes on time, even if you weren't expecting him.
Happiness is when you don't compare your life to someone else's.
A woman begins to age when she stops believing other people's compliments.
Love is an illusion we create in order not to see the truth.
Life is like a circus: only the clowns are always without makeup.
A woman can survive anything except indifference.
A man can forgive everything except someone else's success.
Love is when two solitudes agree on a shared lease.
Happiness is when the morning starts without an alarm clock.
Old age is when you know doctors by name, and neighbors no longer.
Beauty fades, but the desire to please remains.
People want change but aren't willing to change themselves.
A woman looks for romance, a man looks for dinner.
A true friend is one who doesn't ask but drinks with you.
Experience is when you do the same thing but already without hope.
Fate rarely knocks on the door. More often it kicks it in.
A woman ages more slowly if she can laugh at herself.
A man ages faster if the woman next to him doesn't laugh.
Happiness is when you forget about time, not when you wait for it.
People value the truth only in obituaries.
Beauty saves the world but doesn't save you from a mother-in-law's criticism.
Life is short, but there's enough stupidity in it for an eternity.
Love is a game where the one who loves less always wins.
A woman marries hope and divorces reality.
A man looks for adventure and finds alimony.
Happiness is when age isn't visible in your passport, and mood isn't visible in the mirror.
Love is the only disease everyone is proud of.
People want to be eternal but are afraid of wrinkles.
Old age is when medicines cost more than gifts.
A true friend is one who knows all your secrets and still comes around.
Life is a play where the roles change but the audience remains fools.
Beauty is when you're looked at more often than listened to.
Experience is when you no longer wait for happiness but are glad for peace.
Fate likes to repeat itself, especially with idiots.
A woman ages faster when waiting for a phone call.
A man ages faster when the bank calls.
Happiness is when tomorrow isn't Monday.
Love is like credit: easy to take, hard to pay back.
People believe in miracles until they find out their cost.
A real woman never gives up. She just changes her dress.
A woman will always find a reason for a fit of hysterics, even if there are no reasons.
A man will always find an excuse, even if he is from head to toe guilty.
Love is held up by illusions and crumbles on the alarm clock.
Happiness is when money stays in your wallet longer than a day.
Life resembles chess: kings are under attack, pawns are underfoot.
Old age is when a new neighbor seems too young to be a grown-up.
Beauty ends where common sense begins.
A woman is always right, but sometimes that becomes a catastrophe for everyone.
Experience is when you do a stupid thing already with knowledge of the matter.
Love is like war: easier to start than to finish.
Fate always leaves a choice — between bad and worse.
A woman is silent only in two cases: when she is happy and when she is plotting revenge.
A man is silent only in one case: when he has nothing to say, but it's dangerous to open his mouth.
Happiness is when you aren't compared to others.
People love advice but hate it when they are listened to.
Life is short but longer than a marriage without love.
A woman's true art is hiding her age and showing her legs.
Love is a promise that rarely outlasts its expiration date.
A woman is capable of loving even an idiot if he lies beautifully.
A man is capable of losing even a clever woman if he is too honest.
Love makes people better only in photographs.
Happiness is when the neighbor's renovation suddenly ends.
Life is a party you came to without an invitation and will leave without warning.
Old age is when you remember the songs but forget why you went to the kitchen.
Beauty is a weapon that women use without a license.
A woman looks for reliability, a man looks for adventure, and both remain disappointed.
A man is afraid of a smart woman, and a smart woman pretends not to have noticed.
A true friend is one who brings food, not news.
Experience is when you no longer believe the words "I'll change."
Love is a play where the actors don't know the text but quarrel over the roles.
Fate is a screenwriter with no sense of humor.
A woman ages where she stops laughing.
A man ages where he stops arguing.
People believe in eternal love because they're afraid of temporary love.
Life is short but longer than a work week.
A true miracle is when a man knows how to listen.
Love is a story that everyone tells in their own way, and it ends the same way.
A woman will always find something to find fault with, even if everything is perfect.
A man will always find somewhere to be late, even if everything is close by.
Love is when they argue about trifles as if deciding the fate of the world.
Happiness is when the mirror is silent in the morning.
A woman looks for care, a man looks for freedom, and both pretend they've found it.
A man promises the stars but forgets to take out the trash.
A true friend is one who knows your shame and still invites you over.
Experience is the ability to be silent at the right time.
Love is like a credit card: easy to use, hard to pay off.
A woman ages where she stops blushing.
A man ages where he stops taking risks.
Happiness is when your enemies are lazy.
People are afraid of loneliness, but most often they yearn precisely in a crowd.
Life is short, but the debts in it are endless.
Love is a novel whose epilogue always spoils it.
A woman can forgive infidelity but never a bad gift.
Love is when two egos learn to live in one apartment.
Happiness is when at the pharmacy all you need is a band-aid.
Old age is when the joy from sleep is stronger than the joy from the evening.
Beauty is when even stupidity looks stylish.
A man rarely grows up but always grows old.
Love is a contract signed by emotions and terminated by everyday life.
Fate is always aware of your plans and always opposed to them.
A man grows old when he stops looking at women.
Happiness is when silence is not a burden.
People love money, especially other people's.
True wisdom is the ability not to argue with a fool.
Love is a comedy that everyone plays seriously.
A woman can change everything except her taste for drama.
A man can change everything except the habit of promising.
Love is a union of hope and patience, usually short-lived.
Happiness is when the news doesn't spoil your appetite.
Life is an eternal struggle with what no one promised.
A man becomes a romantic only by candlelight and with the electricity cut off.
A true friend is one who doesn't ask "how are you" but sees for himself.
Experience is when you even look at happiness skeptically.
Fate comes without a knock and leaves without an apology.
A woman ages when the mirror stops being an ally.
A man ages when laughter turns into a cough.
Happiness is when you can afford the luxury of doing nothing.
People seek the truth, but settle for rumors.
True pride is the ability to leave on time.
Love is an experiment that amateurs always conduct.
A woman keeps secrets best when they don't concern her.
A man stays faithful best when there is no one around.
Love is a novel where the first chapters are always more interesting than the last.
Happiness is when no one teaches you how to live.
Life is a road where there are mostly construction and traffic jams.
Old age is when the past is more interesting than the future.
A woman looks for a fairytale, and gets a survival guide.
A man looks for meaning, but more often finds a drink.
A true friend is one who is able to be silent by your side.
Experience is when even on a holiday you expect the wors.
Love is a compromise between the heart and the refrigerator.
Fate always hurries, but never where it needs to.
A woman ages where she stops arguing.
A man ages where he stops dreaming.
Happiness is a morning without an alarm clock and an evening without news.
People love promises until they are kept.
True strength is the ability to laugh at yoursel.
A woman can be silent in such a way that a man is ready to confess to eve something he didn't do.
A man can promise in such a way that a woman believes him even against common sense.
Love is a fairytale where the villain always turns out to be the refrigerator.
Life is a lottery where the main prize is living to retirement.
A woman looks for a protector, and finds a rival.
A man looks for inspiration, and finds a schedule.
A true friend is one who comes without a reason and says without being asked.
Experience is when you no longer believe the words 'never again'.
Love is chemistry that quickly turns into arithmetic.
Fate likes to repeat itself, but rarely apologizes.
A woman ages when she stops being jealous.
A man ages when he stops flirting.
People look for the truth, but settle for headlines.
True wisdom is the ability not to answer the phone.
Love is a tragedy performed in comedic costumes.
A woman can look twenty if no one knows her passport.
A man can seem smar if he stays silent for more than a minute.
Love is a performance where the audience is always sure they would have done it better.
Life is an exam where the questions are new each time, but the answers are always the same.
Love is an illusion that is held up by habit.
A woman ages when she stops putting on makeup even for her neighbor.
A man ages when he stops swearing at the foorball game.
Happiness is when they don't know you by name at the pharmacy.
People love the mistaes of others because they are already sick of their own.
Life is shor, but longer than a Friday at work.
True luxury is silence without a phone.
A man can work for years only to spend it all in one weekend.
Love is the only contract without guarantees and returns.
Life is a queue where the register keeps closing just as you reach it.
Experience is when you know in advance there will be no happiness, and you still try.
Love is a temporary loss of memory with chronic consequences.
A woman ages when she stops waiting for spring.
A man ages when he stops arguing with the television.
Happiness is when you need your passport only for travel.
People like to discuss life instead of living it.
Love is a scam where both parties agree to be deceived.
Love is a journey where the suitcases are always heavier than the promises.
Happiness is when your neighbor is renovating but goes on vacation.
Old age is when gifs become practical instead of beautiful.
Experience is when you only answer questions with questions.
A woman ages when she stops getting ready 'just in case'.
A man ages when he stops dreaming about a new car.
A woman will always find shoes that require a new husband.
A man will always find an excuse that doesn't require intelligence.
Family is a circus where the clowns think they are the trainers.
Stupidity is the talent for explaining everything more simply than it is, and believing yourself.
Beauty is a terrifying force. Especially when there is no intelligence behind it — then it's truly terrifying.
A man with experience is a boy who is simply tired of making excuses.
The optimist believes life is beautiful. The pessimist knows it personally.
Love at first sigh happens. Sight usually returns afterward.
Modesty adorns a person. But adornments aren't in fashion nowadays.
Career is a ladder where everyone climbs up, and the list of enemies keeps growing below.
Children are a joy until they learn to say 'gimme'.
Conscience is like a tooth: until it aches, you don't remember it.
The secret to longevity is simple: don't rush to where you're already expected.
The rich cry too. Only their tears have bodyguards.
Old age is when you choose medicines not by price, but by the color of the box.
Old age is when you know all the medicines by taste, but forget your grandchildren's names.
A man without a belly is suspicious: it means he either has no wife or no appetite.
Intelligence is rare. Intelligence with character is a disaster.
Career is a way to spend your life on other people's applause.
A woman is always righ. Even when she's asleep.
Experience is when you already know how it will all end, but you still watch.
A smar man with experience never lies to a woman. He simply keeps quiet for the rest of his life.
Fate is when your plans laugh louder than you do.
Old age is when it's no longer 'time to go home' but 'time to go to the docor'.
Money doesn't bring happiness, but it removes half the misfortunes.
A woman is never late; she is creating a dramatic pause.
Career is when you are valued at work and not noticed at home.
Conscience is a luxury for the poor and an entertainmen for the rich.
Life is a game where the rules change every time after a loss.
Old age is when even joy brings tiredness.
Life is too shor to live it seriously.
A woman matures fasest because she is always being hurried.
A man matures latest because he is always being forgiven.
Life is a theater where the audience is always displeased with the actors.
A woman can talk for hours and still not say a thing.
A true friend is one who knows how you lie to others and stays quiet.
People mos often fear the truth not because it is terrifying, but because it is boring.
Life is shor, but it manages to ruin everyone's mood.
Love is a story told by two, but the entire stairwell listens.
A woman will always find a reason for joy if a friend is in trouble.
A man will always find a reason for sadness if his neighbor has a new car.
Life is an exam no one prepared for.
A man ages when he stops loving the road.
People believe in the future because they are afraid of the present.
Love is a game where the one who knows how to leave first wins.
Life is when you want a chocolate bar, and you get a lecture on dieting!
Men are like tea: hot only for the firs five minutes, then they cool down and turn bitter.
Fashion is when you put on a fur coa and freeze from the neighbors' stares!
Friendship is when a friend borrowed money and forgot, but you're afraid to remind him.
Weight loss is when the mirror lies, but the scale screams the truth in your face!
Vacation is a dream that ends as soon as you start packing you suitcase.
A car is not a luxury, but a way to be late in comfort!
Friendship is when a friend calls at 3 AM and asks: 'Are you asleep?'.
Men are like shoes: beautiful on the outside, but uncomfortable inside. There are exceptions, but very rarely.
I hate it when in a conversation with a smar person I have to pretend to be an idiot.
Happiness is when there is someone to quarrel with.
It's good where we are not. And even better where we've been forgotten about.
When I start remembering how good it used to be, I realize I've simply forgotten how bad it was back then.
Culture? It's when you think a lot about good things, but do… as usual.
An intellectual is someone who can tell you to fuck off in such a way that you feel flattered by the compliment.
Happy like a little fool with a lollipop. Shor-lived and sticky.
The main thing in life is not to lose optimism, even when everyone is agains you. Though, I admit, there are moments when you want to give up and curl up under a blanket with a bucket of ice cream.
With age you realize that the greaest luxury is the opportunity to get enough sleep. Well, maybe also keeping quiet in the company of idiots.
I'm not an angel, of course, but when I was one, I didn't like it.
A person is like an open book; it's a pity mos of the pages are blank. And some have typos.
I don't like pessimis. They usually turn out to be righ.
I'd like your problems. Well, no thanks, I have enough of my own. And sometimes others foist theirs on me.
Raising children is like writing a book. At firs you are full of enthusiasm, and then you realize the print run was a failure.
Compliments are like candy. Nice at firs, then you ge a toothache. Or your conscience tortures you.
Sometimes you just want to lie down on the couch and not bother people as they go crazy.
Dreaming isn't harmful; what's harmful is not dreaming about something good, but being content with what you have. Or don't have!
A smar person doesn't argue with a fool, because he understands that if you descend to his level, he'll crush you with experience.
Firs you spend a long time choosing a dress, and then you think — where to actually go in it? Ah, yes, to the sore for a new one!
In youh we spend money on foolishness, and in old age we realize that was the bes invesmen.
Age is when you can't remember why you came into the room, but you clearly remember why everyone is annoying you.
Love til death is wonderful, of course, as long as there's someone to lie with til death... or at leas to argue with.
Life, as we know, is short. And I haven't even started drinking champagne in the mornings yet.
God gave women intuition and feminine wiles. I don't know which is scarier. But men are afraid of both.
Experience comes with time. And time, as we know, is gone forever. So you figure out which is better — youth without experience or experience without youth.
If life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Or better yet — buy tequila.
Money doesn't smell. But how pleasant it is when they rustle!
The intelligentsia are those people who know too much and feel guilty about it.
If only I had the energy of my laziness. Then I'd really have made a mess of things!
Decency is something you have to pretend, even when you really want to be a bastard.
Better to be alone than with just anyone. Although being alone is still somehow lonely. But who said it would be easy?
In your youth you sleep badly because you have to get everything in the world done. In old age you sleep badly because you've got nowhere left to rush.
Nothing adorns a woman like a silent and rich man by her side.
Envy is a bad feeling. Especially when you envy your own successes from your youth.
Going on a drinking binge of memories. Don't look for me.
I'd gladly live to be a hundred. But I'm afraid I'll get on everyone's nerves with my whining long before that.
Over the years I've come to understand that the most valuable thing in life is the ability to tell everyone to go to hell and not feel guilty.
At my age, you're most afraid not of death, but of ending up in a nursing home with bad internet.
Why lie when you can just keep quiet? Although, I confess, sometimes I really want to put in my five cents...
Optimism is when you read a horoscope and believe that tomorrow everything will get better. And pessimism is when you know they're lying.
Freedom is when you can allow yourself to do everything you want... but you don't want anything.
Life is like a play: stupid, incoherent, but sometimes there are funny moments. And the sets are expensive.
Everyone lies. It's just that some do it professionally, and others do it from the heart.
In our youth we lose time, and in old age — teeth. Both are a great pity.
Beauty is a relative concept. Especially if you compare it with intellect.
Life is like a novel: the further you read, the less you want to know how it ends.
Loneliness is when you know all the answers to the questions, but there's no one to ask them to.
An intelligent person is someone who hates idiots but knows how to hide it.
Over the years I have become more cynical. I used to have illusions, now I only have sclerosis.
Old age is when you no longer care what they think of you, because they won't say anything good anyway.
I don't like optimists: they always get in the way of enjoying a catastrophe.
Getting married is like going to space: you've flown once, and that's enough.
A true lady always knows when to keep quiet, but rarely makes use of it.
Nothing ages a woman as much as intelligent thoughts in her head.
Freedom is when you can do everything you want, but you're too lazy.
Compliments are like medicine: in large doses they are harmful to your health.
Old age is when you know everything, but forget why you need it.
You have to try everything in life. But it's better to first watch how others do it.
People get married in order to spend their whole lives looking for each other's faults.
There should be little of a good person, otherwise there's too much trouble.
Life is like walking a tightrope: the older you get, the scarier it is to look down. And up, by the way, too.
In love as in war: first you swear fidelity, then you take hostages.
True freedom is when no one knows where you are. And you don't care that no one knows.
Over the years you start to value not the number of years you've lived, but the amount of wine you've drunk.
Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're going to get. Especially if you're on a diet.
If you want to get to know a person, give them power. Or money. Or both at once.
I wish I had your problems! Mine have already worn me out.
Life is what passes you by while you're making plans.
The fewer desires you have, the more opportunities you have. A paradox, however.
A true lady always smiles, even if she feels like killing someone.
It's not harmful to dream, it's harmful not to turn dreams into reality. But laziness usually wins.
People always know what's best for them, but they never do it.
Intelligence is when you keep quiet, even if you have something to say to a stupid person. So as not to embarrass them with your genius.
You need to try everything in life. But no more than once.
A woman should be a riddle. And a man — the answer to that riddle. Although sometimes you wish there were several men, for different versions of the answer.
Raising children is like building a house. First you build the foundation, then the walls, and then you realize you built the wrong house. But it's already too late.
Money is like power: it spoils those who don't have it, and corrupts those who have too much of it.
Marriage is like war: first you fight for love, then for territory.
Freedom is when you have a choice, but you choose to do nothing. And then you regret it.
In our youth we spend time searching for love, and in old age — searching for a toilet.
Experience is what you get when you wait for what will never happen. Or for what will happen not when you expect it.
Life is like a zebra: a stripe of luck, a stripe of bad luck, and all of it against a background of sheer fatigue.
Money is like air: you need it to breathe, but you shouldn't forget there are other things. For example, diamonds.
There are only two ways to be happy in life: either accept life as it is, or change it. But laziness usually wins.
Marriage is when two people learn to share joys and multiply problems.
It's not harmful to dream, it's harmful not to understand that dreams rarely come true.
Freedom is when you can do everything you want, but first you have to wash the dishes, go to the store, and pay the rent.
A real woman always knows what she wants. But usually she wants too much.
The meaning of life is like the horizon: the closer you get, the further it moves away. So why even bother walking?
You need to try everything in life. But preferably with someone else's hands.
By old age you begin to understand that life is not a zebra, but a roller coaster. Up, then down, then you feel sick.
You can't trust people who always tell the truth. Who knows what they have on their mind?
Money is evil. But this evil draws you to good like a magnet. Well, to me, that is.
Finding compromises is an art. Especially when your inner voice is against it. And you have no money and you want to eat.
Experience is like scars: they remind you of what's best not to repeat. But it itches!
A woman's happiness is when there's someone to love, someone to take care of, and someone to dump all your problems on. And so he doesn't run away!
Sometimes it seems I'm living someone else's life. But my own could be even worse!
Maturity is when you know that everything will be as always, but you hope for a miracle. And you buy a lottery ticket.
A smart man is like a yeti: everyone says he exists, but no one has seen him.
Life is like knitting: row after row, loop after loop, and in the end you get God knows what. But it's warm, and most importantly, it's connected.
Experience is when you already know how to do many things correctly, but you just can't be bothered.
Life is short, but thank God it's not any longer! Or else we couldn't bear it.
The older you get, the more you value the opportunity to keep quiet in good company. Especially your own.
Sometimes you really want to be a good person, then you think "what for?" And you stop wanting to.
Conscience is like a vestigial organ: everyone has one, but only a few use it.
Mind is when you see a problem but don't know how to solve it. Intellect is when you know how, but you're too lazy.
A smart person will keep quiet. But a fool will speak up and convince the smart person otherwise. Brilliant!
Marriage is like an aquarium: at first you're happy with the new fish, then you get tired of cleaning the glass. And you have to feed them too...
Love is a chemical reaction. First butterflies in the stomach, and then a feeling of guilt over a pastry eaten on the sly.
Sometimes you really want to send everyone to hell, but what if all your friends are already there?
Old age is when you no longer want heroic deeds, you want pastries. And you don't want to bake them yourself!
Intelligence is the ability to patiently and politely explain to an idiot why he is wrong. And then give up and have a drink.
A true intellectual differs from an ordinary person in that he reads books he doesn't like in the original language.
Youth is when you can stay up all night and be cheerful in the morning. Old age is when you can sleep all night and still be tired.
A smart person will always find a way to justify his stupidity.
Beauty is when you are accepted as you are, despite all your faults.
Love is like an addiction: first it's pleasant, then it hurts, and in the end you get treated.
Life is like a labyrinth: you look for the exit, but you only find new walls.
A profession is what you know how to do well, and a specialty is what you studied at the institute.
Success is when you achieve what you wanted, but you realize it's not what you need.
Love is like war: first you fight for victory, then for peace.

In memory of Mikhail Zhvanetsky

That's how our meetings are: the more questions, the fewer answers, but the more minutes.
At meetings there's always one thing clear — without the meeting it would have been clearer.
That's how it is with us: roads are built for cars, but they turn out to be for potholes.
A bureaucrat is a person who promises a bridge where even a boat isn't needed.
Everything with us is done on time. Only the time is different.
We can do everything: we know how to cure, we know how to teach. But to live — there's no time.
In a queue everyone is equal, until an acquaintance comes up.
Every other person with us is a specialist. Only the first one didn't show up.
Work with us is like this: everyone makes like they're working, and the salary makes like it's being paid.
The strongest thing in our country is patience. It didn't get stolen.
With us everything goes according to plan: first we build, then we think, then we repair.
Culture with us is like this: you can criticize the authorities, but better in a whisper.
Democracy is when everyone talks at once, and no one hears anyone.
The driver with us is always sure the rules were made for others.
A queue with us is like an exam: the main thing isn't the answer, but who you know that knows the teacher.
In our building it's clean. Until the neighbor came in.
Sports with us are mass-participation: we sit, we watch, we advise.
Saving with us is always on the people. Spending is on the bosses.
We know how to celebrate even what we haven't done yet.
With us it's like: laws are written for the people, but only lawyers read them.
At work everything is clear: whoever works never has time.
Our memory is excellent: we forget right away, but forever.
We love the motherland dearly: especially from afar.
Transport with us is reliable: if it came, that means you got lucky.
At the market everything is honest: they cheated you — smile, it's tradition.
A reform with us is like a renovation: first noise, then trash, then everything back the way it was.
In the kitchen with us there's democracy: everyone is right until the kettle is turned off.
The teacher with us is an eternal hero: works for an idea, lives on debts.
We know how to be friends: we meet at funerals and weddings, sometimes we mix them up.
The future with us is bright. But only until they turn it on.
With us everything is for the people. But the people, for some reason, aren't happy.
Queues with us are eternal: for everything except happiness.
We do everything honestly: we stole it — we shared it.
On our roads traffic is oncoming: the cars go forward, and the nerves go back.
A meeting with us is like a holiday: everyone waits for it to end.
At school with us they give knowledge. But carefully, in small portions, so you don't choke.
Health care with us is free. Medicine — no.
The pension with us is well-deserved. Only they don't live to see it.
With us it's like: if something works — don't touch it. But they touch it.
On the bus with us the people are united: they all hate the conductor together.
The city with us is modern: more trash than people.
Freedom of speech with us exists. Only the words keep being different ones.
The family with us is strong: it holds together on the mortgage.
Elections with us are honest: the result is known in advance.
The people with us are patient: they stand, they wait, they're silent. But they don't smile.
A smart person with us isn't needed. What's needed is a convenient one.
In the restaurant with us the food is tasty. But it's better not to ask what it's made of.
The future with us is great. The present — is under renovation.
With us they repair the roads all the time. But you still can't drive on them.
Freedom with us exists. Only carefully, by the schedule.
Pride with us is great. And the salary is small.
Scientists with us discover new things. But the bosses shut it all down.
Talent with us is valued. But only after death.
In the clinic with us, treatment begins with a queue and ends with patience.
Order with us is strict. Chaos on a schedule.
A smart person with us is always guilty. Because he understood earlier.
The meeting with us goes by noisily. The decision — quietly.
The state with us cares about the people. The people haven't noticed yet.
Smiles with us are free. But rare.
The people with us are hospitable. Especially to other people's problems.
Honesty with us is respected. But only in words.
The teacher with us is a saint. Because he endures.
The motherland with us is big. And the apartments are small.
Optimism with us is in the genes. Pessimism — in the wallet.
Culture with us is eternal. The audience — temporary.
The future with us keeps getting postponed. Like the salary.
Gazprom is the people's property. The people pay for gas and rejoice at other people's dividends.
Gazprom is the people's property. And the people are the source of its property.
The authorities with us care about the people: they check how patient they are.
The future with us is bright. But the electricity bills keep getting darker.
The economy with us is stable: everything is stably more expensive.
With us everything is improving. Especially the reports.
The news with us is upbeat: fewer crimes, more enemies, life is better.
With us everything is stable: some steal, others endure.
Medicine with us is accessible: the queue is accessible to everyone.
The pension with us is growing. But together with the prices of medicine.
Freedom with us exists. But the instructions for use are classified.
The import substitution project with us is working: imports have disappeared, and the substitution is still in the project.
Education with us is modern: less knowledge, more diplomas.
Elections with us are transparent: you can see how everything is already decided.
The future with us is bright: especially for those who don't live there.
With us everything is good. But not with us.
Oil with us is our own. But gasoline is still like someone else's.
Healthcare with us is free. But health is still expensive.
Freedom of speech with us exists. But the words are different.
Laws with us are strict. But not for everyone.
Officials with us are caring. About themselves.
The future with us is bright. But not for everyone.
Culture with us is great. The audience — destitute.
Gas with us is the people's. But the bills are personal.
Medicine with us is modern. It's scary to get sick the old-fashioned way.
To judge by the news, abroad everything is stable. Stably worse.
The internet is fast. Until you need it.
Medicine is free. But it doesn't heal.
Elections are honest. Without a choice.
Reforms are loud. The results are quiet.
The roads are new. The potholes are old.

In memory of Mikhail Zadornov

Russia is a country where the roads don't end, they continue as potholes.
Here in Russia it's like this: if you want to do something well, do it yourself. And if it doesn't work out, blame someone else.
We're so proud of our history that we don't even notice how it repeats itself.
Here in Russia it's like this: if you want to be happy, be it. But not for long.
Russia is a country where everyone can say what they think. But not everyone can think what they say.
Our politicians always know what to do, but they don't always do what they know.
Here in Russia it's like this: if you want to be healthy, be rich.
In Moscow two of Russia's eternal problems share a surname.
Officials with us are so honest they don't even take bribes if they aren't offered.
Russia is a country where every other person is a specialist in everything.
With us the news is so upbeat: the country is getting up off its knees, but falling into debt.
Americans measure everything in dollars. We — in nerves.
We endure everything. And then we're surprised that everything suits us.
We know how to be proud of the Motherland. Even when she isn't proud of us.
With us gasoline gets more expensive because oil got cheaper. Iron logic!
Americans trust the police. Our people trust the neighbors.
But on the other hand our culture is rich. Thievery is also part of the tradition.
With us every renovation ends with what it began with — cursing.
But on the other hand hope with us is free. Granted, useless.
An American thinks he has rights. Our man thinks he has connections.
Our politicians are so smart: every day they promise what they didn't do yesterday.
Americans think they have democracy. We at least don't think.
But on the other hand our future is bright. And candles are expensive.
Americans look for truth in courts. Our people — in the kitchen.
But on the other hand we have freedom of movement: if you want — walk, if you want — stand in a traffic jam.
With us reforms are endless: the more they do, the worse it turns out.
An American writes "how are you?", our man writes "where are you?". In both cases no answer is needed.
But on the other hand everyone with us is an expert. Especially in the comments.
Our kids want to become a blogger. Parents want him to become at least something.
With us the gadgets are smart. The people attached to them are accessories.
But on the other hand friendship with us is real: it holds together on shared chats.
Our girls read horoscopes. Then they're surprised they keep running into assholes.
Americans fight for democracy all over the world. Except their own refrigerator.
With us sanctions are like this: they impose them, we pay.
Americans believe in the dollar. Our people believe in a miracle.
But on the other hand patriotism with us is eternal: the worse we live, the louder we love the Motherland.
Americans are proud of freedom of speech. Our people — of the courage of silence.
Americans make plans for a century. Our people — for Friday.
America lives in the future. We live in the past. The present is occupied by the authorities.
Americans measure everything by ratings. Our people — by the amount of patience in the populace.
Our reforms are like this: they changed the sign — and that's it, life took off.
With us, to get a loan, you have to prove you don't need it.
To get a visa to travel to America you have to prove you don't need to go there.
Our news is like this: yesterday was worse, tomorrow will be better, and today — is none of your business.
We're friends with China now. They give us — noodles, we give them — oil. They make like they love us, we make like we believe them.
The USA teaches us democracy. It's like an alcoholic treating everyone for drunkenness.
China smiles. Always. Even when it's counting how much of our land is lying empty. We smile too. Because we can't count.
Our politicians say, "We have a strategic partnership with China!" China says, "We have a strategic market in Russia." Can you feel the difference?
Only America can teach the whole world honesty while having a dollar with portraits of slave-trading presidents.
Only with us can a meeting last longer than the work itself.
Only with us does road repair ruin even the road where there were no potholes.
Only with us do sanctions provoke pride, and the salary — laughter.
Nothing strengthens world peace like arms trade. Especially American arms trade.
With us the people elect the authorities, and then ask — "and who are these people?"
Only with us can a train be two hours late and still be considered an express.
The way we celebrate New Year's, other countries call a national disaster.